Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I am all good here, 😂😉
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks