Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
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Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????