me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Sunday
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them