Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
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You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*