@shutupmikeginn: Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.
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@EndhooS: [1st day at Subway] Boss: u said u'd done this before Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I'm really more of an abstract sandwich artist
@shkeeber: My bank has informed me that Twitter followers can not be used as collateral for a car loan. You guys are useless.
@SamGrittner: Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
@AristotlesNZ: The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog's ass.