@shutupmikeginn: Sea turtles happened when god got stoned one night and wondered what would happen if a frisbee was a lizard.
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@krisv_723: *annual sexual harassment seminar. Boss: We need more seats. Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit. Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
@ManicMouse: CW: what did you do to your hair today? Me: It's really unclear whether you think it's good or you think I slept in a ditch.
@Ideal_Victoria: I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box... I'll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.