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if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!