[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
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Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.