Seals are just dog mermaids.
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My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I love the honesty
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂