SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
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I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.