[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
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The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Mornin. * use accordingly
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Breakfast for Stoners:
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.