[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
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Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Made something I’m not proud of
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend