ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
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running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
So creative 😂
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?