[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup