[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
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This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.