(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
You Might Also Like
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash