[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
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*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?