dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
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ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778