@AcerbicSuburban: Secretly adding a tablespoon of butter to everything he eats is my long-term exit plan.
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@markleggett: Today I fell asleep for twenty minutes during a thirty minute car ride, which was strange because I was driving.
@JermHimselfish: I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they've obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.
@IAmKatieOrr: I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn't become ponies by 2015. She was really dark.