Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Me trying to walk in a dream
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I mean…but I did
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose