Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
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I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Note to self: I am a note
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.