I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
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The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.