SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
The most important meal of the day is the next one
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Erm I’m gonna say no
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.