SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.