I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
You Might Also Like
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture