Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
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I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
dogs can find happiness so easily
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.