[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
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Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.