[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
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Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Sniffing the broccoli
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?