Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
You Might Also Like
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Lol
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back