Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
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Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Well, that didn’t work.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.