My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.