*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
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Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.