*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
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I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane