[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
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Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
pizza
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)