*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
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Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
saving face 👀
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.