mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
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Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Netflix and awkward silence?
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks