See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
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Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
#FunnyLife Insects
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
My birthstone is a marshmallow
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already