@junejuly12: Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
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@Flattliner: I wish my wife was better in bed. <sighs> <disables autocorrect> I wish my WiFi was better in bed.
@Phoebetate: I was just accosted by a small child riding shotgun in a shopping cart yelling "why you ain't got no babies?"I bet my father in law paid her
@PaigeKellerman: Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I just love a man who's not afraid to be honest. ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.