*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
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Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
“what that mouth do?” complain
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it