A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
You Might Also Like
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Love is in the air fryer.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Finished stitching this today 😇
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.