Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
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I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.