Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
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[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy