Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
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First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0