Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
My dog after a walk in the woods.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.