*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
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Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.