[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Did…did a minotaur write this
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.