*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour