*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
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“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Autocarrot sucks!
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.