*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?