What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
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90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool