*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
A friend sent me this.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”