I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
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My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
What?
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.