[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
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I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
I hate everything
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes